George Carlin

“George Carlin died”: yesterday at 71. I remember the first time I saw his standup act on TV. Our family went on vacation to the beach with another family and me and my friend were watching HBO, which was novel to us at the time (mid 1970s). The adults sat down on the couch to watch too, me and my friend were on the floor right in front of the TV. Everything was fine until one joke, when the adults gasped and one of them quickly got up and turned the TV off. I’ll never forget that joke.

Some good Carlin quotes:

bq. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

bq. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

bq. Religion convinced the world that there’s an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there’s 10 things he doesn’t want you to do or else you’ll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! …And he needs money! He’s all powerful, but he can’t handle money!

bq. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

bq. Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

bq. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

bq. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

bq. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

bq. Scratch any cynic and you’ll find a disappointed idealist.

bq. People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.

bq. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

bq. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child whose self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

bq. Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.

bq. I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

bq. I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.

bq. Life is a zero sum game.

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