Finally watched XXX. If you only care about action in a movie, stop here, you won’t hate it. If you want more than action in a movie, stop here, you’ll hate it. This movie is James Bond for Dummies. His name is Xander and he calls himself “X”, but the movie is called “XXX”. “XXX” is easier to remember for 14 year-olds than “007” I guess (numbers are hard).

As predicted, this movie is downright dumb. I could go on and on about the bad plot (world domination, duh!), the unnecessary action, the ridiculousness of driving an American muscle car through the streets of Prague, the complete lack of subtlety (they explain everything to you as if you are a moron, which you will feel like after watching this movie), the acting of Vin Diesel and everyone else, the inane dialogue that even had subtitles for the Czech characters (one of the subtitles actually was “Get him fast! Kill him now!“), and the pathetic one-liners (before being thrown off a plane, X asks “Where are my peanuts?”, the comedy is that good). And I won’t even ask why Samuel Jackson is in this — I’ll just try to forget that (as well as the bad scarred face he had).

The action isn’t even inventive. The Transporter had much more original action scenes. They even stole the Q character from Bond, except this guy is a kid who invents the stupidest things you could imagine: a high-tech gun that is a 6-barrel revolver, missiles that launch out of the headlights in the car (a sure end to your after-dark car chase) and paintball darts filled with red paint (to simulate blood, they carefully explain to you twice). And of course, the ending is a (not at all subtle) tie-in to the sequel.

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